And the Golden Shovel Award goes to...

...me.

For trying to fill a hole but only digging myself deeper. I wasn't going to tell anybody about this (just try and hide the evidence like usual) but I'm feeling a touch guilty and hopefully you can all learn from my mistakes.

I have had the hungry horrors all day - by 3pm, I had eaten a banana, a piece of angel food cake, a 100 calorie rice krispie treat, cherries, blueberries, a bite of last night's rice, and the last of the leftover parmesan noodles with chicken for a total of 1200 calories. I walked out the door thinking of all things I could eat while I was out running errands and then spent 85% of the drive trying to convince myself that I wasnt actually hungry and it was just a craving. Then I saw Wendy's and the car just steered itself through the drive-thru. When I went to pay, I panicked because I didn't have enough cash and I didn't want Chris to see it on the ATM card so I put it on my credit card. Then in line at Walmart, I grabbed Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and scarfed those down. In an hour and a half I consumed 1000 more calories and now, by 5:30pm, I've eaten more than my daily allowance.

Now I'm feeling sick. And still low. I should know by now that food doesn't fill any void that I have. And the binge only makes me more upset when I look at the number on the scale in the morning which in turn makes me want to eat even more. It's a nasty, vicious cycle that even after a year, I have not been able to break. I suppose it takes more than a year to undo 27 years of damage.

I think I've said before on here that I have forgotten how to be hungry and how to say "NO" to my cravings. And speaking of forgetting things, I don't recall the last time I exercised. Chris is working so hard for his weight loss this and I haven't worked very hard in a long time. Chris - you are my inspiration this week. It's only Wednesday and there are still 4 more days left of this week and I plan on making them count. I'm recommitting myself and will start doing things right again.

I'm tired of feeling bad about myself and I want to do things that feed my ego not just feed my id. I'm going to go take the dog for a walk and try to atone for my sins. For the rest of the week, I will do my Biggest Loser workout video that I found in the basement yesterday and I will eat less than 2000 calories a day. I'm determined to do it and I'm determined to have a loss on Monday!

P.S. - I'm sure you're all thinking, " She's said that before," because that's what I was telling myself. I think I need to tell myself this every day, every week. I think we all need to tell ourselves that every day.