I had a really hard day today. Depressed for some reason, or lots of reasons, and usually I would go get a double quarter pounder from Mcdonalds and maybe eat some ice cream and I would feel fine. Food has always been there for me...whether I'm celebrating or throwing a pity party, it has always helped me feel good. Until I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. And then I would eat to make myself feel better. It's a never ending cycle.
Dieting is such an emotional issue for me. Everytime Chris and I undertake this project, we fail because of me. I get too emotional and he doesn't like to see me upset so we would give up. But I am really committed this time. I dont want to spend the rest of my this size. I want to have kids and be able to play with them. I want to go to Disney World with the Martin clan. I want to live a long, happy life with my husband. But I get so afraid of failing that I just don't want to try - this extends to other areas of my life too
I was so tired and so hungry that all I wanted to do all day was eat. I had my night time snack at 4pm. Now I have no night time snack. I wanted to have caramel mini rice cakes but Chris talked me out of them. I know I only wanted them because I'm in a mood - even though 14 are only 120 calories. I spent a lot of time knitting today in an effort to keep my mind off food.
I need to find new ways to be happy, aside from eating, and thats a real struggle for me. I'm never quite sure why I feel the way I feel and I don't know myself very well. So, for me, not only is this challenge about losing weight, it's about finding myself. I've always been able to hide behind my fat girl exterior and never let my personality come through. I think I've pushed my personality and emotions down so long with the food that I don't know what they are.
2 comments:
Ack!! I'm having post-posting anxiety. That is more honest than I have been with anyone other than Chris in a long time and he won't let me take it down.
Katie we all have days when the food is calling for us or yelling at us. Knitting will keep your hands busy. I go to the garden and weed it or just poke around in it. I definitely have to find something for this winter. I usually sew but the dirty hands from the garden really helps. Your are so lucky to have such family support. Keep up the good work.
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